Hardware Installation
by thievinghippo
Summary: Garrus and Shepard help EDI get ready for the 'next step' with Joker, and discover a few new things of their own.


Garrus looked at the small cylinder EDI had placed in his hands. "I don't understand. What exactly is it?"  
He turned it over and looked at the small opening on one end of the tube. "Wait a minute…" Garrus placed the tube on his console as quickly as he could. "EDI, that looks like…"

"A human female vagina, yes. It's called a fleshlight," EDI said. "I was curious how quickly you would recognize the shape."

Garrus rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. Not that he would ever admit it to EDI, but that shape had quickly become one of his favorites over the past year. "Doesn't Daniels usually help you with this sort of thing?"

EDI picked up the tube. She dragged one finger along the length of it. Her voice was quiet when she spoke. "Since entering into a sexual relationship with Chief Donnelly, her capacity to keep information to herself has diminished."

"Well, yeah," Garrus said. "They're a couple now. She probably wants to tell him everything." A tightrope Garrus had walked himself when it was firmly established that he and Shepard were actually in a relationship and not just easing tension.

"Exactly," EDI said. "I would prefer a limited number of people to know about this hardware installation. It is… personal."

"So why me?" Garrus couldn't help himself from asking.

"Before and since starting your sexual relationship with Commander Shepard, I know of three instances where you asked Jeff for vids to use in your research," EDI stated.

"Ah, I guess, well, Joker always said he had the biggest stash," Garrus said, staring at the floor, his console, anywhere but the mechanical body besides him.

"Which is accurate. Though Ensign Copeland is quickly catching up."

Garrus waited for the familiar words. They never came. "Is that a joke?" he asked meekly.

"Oh no," EDI said. "It is fact. The diversity of species that he downloads is quite commendable."

"That doesn't really answer my question," Garrus said.

"Apologies. I would like to keep this as private as possible. Seeing as Jeff offered you assistance in your relationship, I had hoped you might be willing to assist in his," EDI said.

Garrus took a deep breath. "So this is for Joker?"

"Yes, however, he is unaware of the fact that I have procured this item. I would like to surprise him."

"Hell of a surprise," Garrus muttered. "I don't know, EDI… this is really personal. I mean, really personal. You're basically asking me to install your…"

"Vagina," EDI finished for him. "That is correct."

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable handling another woman's… private area, even if it's not an actual… private area," Garrus said.

"Perhaps Commander Shepard could assist," EDI said brightly. "Would that make you feel more at ease?"

"You know, it actually would, if she's okay with it," Garrus said honestly. "What's she doing right now?"

"She's on the com with the asari councilor," EDI replied.

Garrus quickly brought up his omni-tool interface to send her a message.

_Shepard, got a minute? G_

The response was almost instant.

_Sure thing. Better question is do you have a Minute? S_

"Interesting," EDI said. "Shepard is not showing any physical signs of sexual arousal at this time."

"Of course you know our code," Garrus sighed.

"That chat program does run through the Normandy's computer. When either one of you send a message with the word minute with a capital M, there is a ninety-two percent chance that you'll have sexual intercourse within an hour," EDI stated.

_We can share a Minute later, Shepard, I'm here with EDI in the Main Battery. G_

_Business then. Right. Be there in two. S_

"May I?" Garrus asked. EDI handed him the fleshlight. "So you have, um, space to install this in your platform?"

"Correct. This is an infiltration unit, after all. My guess is that in Cerberus' rush to plant a sleeper agent at the Mars Archive, that they simply did not take the time for the installation."

The doors opened behind him. "What in the world are you holding?" Shepard asked.  
"The fleshlight I would like Garrus to install in this platform," EDI said.

Garrus watched as Shepard's mouth opened as if to say something and then promptly close. She repeated the movement, this time bringing out her arm to gesture. Placing her hand on her forehead, she said, "I got nothing." She looked at Garrus. "Fleshlight?"

"Garrus expressed concern with installing the object without your knowledge," EDI told her.

Shepard blinked slowly. "That's sort of sweet, in a very odd way," she said finally. "You want permission to handle another woman's private parts?"

"Shepard…"

She slipped her arm around his back, just above his waist. Shepard never cared about public affection in front of EDI, saying the AI already knows everything they did anyway. Curious, Garrus once asked if EDI knew how many times he and Shepard had had sex. How quickly EDI responded with the answer was a tad disconcerting.

"I kid," Shepard said, wrapping her other arm around his front. Garrus felt himself relaxing into her embrace.

Her gaze fell on EDI. "Do you think you and Joker are ready for that step?" she asked.

EDI took the fleshlight out of Garrus' hands. "I believe the timing is appropriate. Joker's stress level has been continually rising, and this should help reduce the symptoms."

"I'm not sure Joker would appreciate you having sex with him just because he's stressed."

"But is that not how your relationship with Garrus started?"

Garrus felt Shepard's arms tighten around him before she stepped away. "Stress relief was just an excuse to get the idea out there, EDI. As soon as we agreed, it became about the two of us, making a connection with each other."

EDI looked at the fleshlight. "That is what I wish," she said softly. "A physical connection with Jeff."

"Then let's get this installed."

Garrus ran his hand over his fringe. "I've been thinking of the logistics. Might be easier if we do this in the loft, Shepard. If EDI sat on the console, it would be a really awkward angle for me to install this."

Shepard looked like she was trying to hold back a smile. "So this is your way of bringing another woman into our bed?"

"Couch, Shepard. I was thinking the couch."

Clapping her hands, Shepard said, "Alright, let's install this thing. Grab whatever tools you think you'll need and I'll meet you both upstairs."

Ten minutes later, EDI was sitting spread eagle on the coffee table in Shepard's cabin. Garrus knelt in front of her. Shepard was on the couch, legs crossed at the knee, acting as his assistant. His hands were bare for the precision work, and Shepard took advantage, letting their fingers brush languidly whenever she handed him a new tool.

"This is certainly not how I thought I'd be spending my day," he said, tightening a screw.

"Life's definitely full of surprises," Shepard grinned.

"EDI, can you remove that panel on your stomach?" Garrus asked. "I think I need to work in there."

EDI quickly removed the panel in question, leaving her belly open. Garrus looked in, curious about the technical setup. "Do you need me to lay down?" EDI asked.

"Please."

The AI complied. Garrus tried to figure out what the next step would be. The fleshlight didn't come with an instruction manual. He and Shepard were making it up as they went along. Just like old times.

"Shepard, get down here," Garrus told her. "I need you to hold something steady for me."

"Sure thing," Shepard said. She knelt right next to him, close enough that he could feel the subtle warmth from her skin through his clothes. He had changed into an old suit, thinking he would be more comfortable kneeling on the ground than in his armor. "What do you need me to do?"  
Garrus pointed at the end of the toy, which could now be considered EDI's labia. "I need you to keep that flush with those thigh panels. If the seam is jagged at all, Joker will not have fun."

"EDI, you okay with me touching there?" Shepard asked.

"Of course, Shepard," EDI said. "It is necessary for installation."

"You know, I've never touched another woman's privates like this," Shepard said, placing her hand where it needed to be. "'Do you think this counts as a threesome?"

"No," Garrus said, bumping her shoulder. He quickly welded the seam. He nodded at Shepard and she removed her hand. "We're not crossing that off the list yet."

"Fair enough. Another time then," Shepard said. "So do turians have fleshlights?"

"I think every species with a penis has one, Shepard," Garrus said, placing both hands into EDI's belly to secure one side.

"Could you imagine what an elcor one looks like?" Shepard said, laughing.

"You just had to put that image in my head, didn't you, Shepard?"

Placing her hand on the side of his neck, Shepard whispered, "You're welcome." She started to stroke the hide there softly and Garrus had to take a breath to contain his shiver. "You ever use one?"

Garrus shook his head. "Nah. Always figured my hand was good enough." He paused, thinking of what to do next. He needed leverage. And in order to do that he needed…

He realized what he needed to do and winced.

Shepard noticed immediately. "Everything okay, Garrus?"

"Well… EDI… I think I need to attach the back of the fleshlight to the console. Which means…"

"Means what?" Shepard asked.

"I think I need to put my finger in there," Garrus said. "EDI?"

EDI propped herself on her elbows. "That does make sense as the next step. Please proceed."

Shepard snorted. "Sure this doesn't count as a threesome?"

Garrus looked away, wishing he could find the words to make her understand. He was about to put his finger in EDI's _vagina._ Before Joker had that opportunity. He felt like he was betraying his friend somehow.

"Shepard, maybe you could do it," he said helplessly. Somehow he doubted Joker would mind if Shepard was the one to put her fingers in there.

She looked at her hands and then back as his. "No way my fingers are long enough," she said. The look on her face changed, to what he considered her problem solving face. "One second."

Shepard jumped up and went to the back of the room. She quickly opened up the drawer where he kept his civilian clothes. He winced as she rummaged through it, knowing the mess she would find in there. Finally Shepard found what she was looking for and returned with the gloves that matched the suit he was wearing.

"These might help," Shepard said.

Garrus nodded and put them on quickly. Better than bare hands. "Let's get this over with," he muttered. "Sorry, Joker."

Shepard knelt next to him and flung her arm around his carapace. Her solid presence helped keep him calm. "I feel like this calls for a 'that's what she said' joke."

"Hmm?"

She chuckled. "Old stupid human joke." She handed him the tool that he needed, their hands lingering together. Her voice lowered, "Just think of this as hardware, Garrus."

Garrus took a breath and slid his finger into the toy. EDI stilled immediately. He needed to wiggle his finger around to hold the right location.

_"Oh."_

Garrus removed his hand immediately. "EDI? You okay?"

"I did not expect to receive any positive feedback until installation was complete," EDI admitted, sounding slightly breathless and looking up at the ceiling. "Please continue."

Shepard gently ran her hand up and down his back as Garrus inserted his finger back into the fleshlight. The gloves helped, but he could still feel the tightness and warmth that he loved in Shepard. Only this wasn't Shepard, it was EDI.

_Joker's EDI._

He leaned into Shepard, trying to focus only on what he needed to do. She turned, and Garrus could feel her breasts flush against him. The warmth made his hand jerk, and his finger came in contact with a slightly rough spot inside the toy.

EDI's hands curled into fists, her eyes shut tight. A small moan escaped from her lips.

"Sorry, EDI," Garrus said with a wince, welding as quickly as he could. He shifted, trying to keep his hand still, to make room for his spreading groin plates.

Shepard leaned into his ear canal and whispered, "Are you as turned on as I am?"

All Garrus could do was nod and willed his cock to stay behind it's sheath.

"I am receiving a great deal of positive feedback from this encounter," EDI said. She blinked slowly. "I am now certain I will be able to enjoy intercourse like so many others on the ship."

"I hope so too, EDI," Shepard said, her hands playing at the back of his waist, where EDI couldn't see. Garrus let out a low growl, a warning to please stop, but instead of backing off, Shepard stroked harder. His cock started to strain his sheath. "Wait… so many others? How many people are fucking on my ship?"

"EDI, don't move," Garrus said quickly. EDI had started to move her hips slightly. Garrus tried not to think why that might be. "Shepard, hold down her hips."

Shepard went and placed her hands on either side of EDI's waist. Garrus had to hold back a moan. The move brought back far too many memories of watching lesbian porn in his youth. "Sorry, EDI."

"I apologize. I am trying to deal with these new sensations. This platform wants to react, but I understand that it is not appropriate to do so at the moment," EDI said quietly. "The fact that I am currently speaking to Joker on the bridge, and he wants to discuss a previous sexual encounter we shared is not helping matters."

"Wouldn't he want to talk to you about that?" Garrus asked. "I mean, your platform?"

A slow smile spread on EDI's face. "He cares for all of me, not just this platform."

"That's actually really sweet," Shepard said, letting her head rest on Garrus' shoulder. "Now can we get back to the important matter at hand? Who else is fucking on my ship?"

"Including you and Garrus, there are twelve people who currently engage in regular sexual activity."

"Twelve? I know about Gabby and Ken, Cortez and Kaidan, who else?"

"Shepard, you don't need to know about every little detail on this ship," Garrus said with a laugh. Though he knew better. Shepard thrived on those details. She would never admit it, but Shepard absolutely loved gossip.

"This isn't just a little detail, Garrus. This is sex. There are _rules_ in the Alliance," she said thoughtfully. "Rules that I don't give a damn about, but that's not the point. Besides, aren't you curious?"

He was, but he certainly wouldn't admit to that. Anchoring his hand, Garrus tightened one last screw. He took his finger out of the toy, trying not to mourn the loss of tightness and heat. "I think we're done."

He watched as EDI extended the parts that would cover the fleshlight. It was seamless. You wouldn't know what was behind those panels if you looked. It reminded him of his own groin plates worked, to be honest.

"I would like to perform a more thorough test, before surprising Jeff," EDI announced. "Do you have an item I could use for testing?"

Garrus coughed, while Shepard looked around. "Well…"

EDI crossed her legs at the knee. "It would be most beneficial to test the equipment here in case something is wrong."

A look Garrus didn't recognize crossed Shepard's face. "I've got something." She stood up and walked to a drawer that Garrus had never seen her use before. She reached in and Garrus strained to see what she was holding. With a shock, he realized it was a dildo. A distinctly human looking dildo.

She placed the toy in EDI's hand. "Never been used," Shepard said. "Go on into the bathroom and try it out."

"Thank you, Shepard." EDI moved quickly into the bathroom.

Shepard sat next to Garrus, who was now on the couch, and placed her hand on his thigh. She leaned in to kiss his neck, but Garrus pulled away.

Garrus turned to look at her. "I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about you having that." They used toys occasionally in their lovemaking, including a turian style dildo, which Garrus liked to tease her with.

"I've never used it," Shepard said slowly.

"But you have it," Garrus said, wondering if the anger he was starting to feel was irrational or not. "What, just in case you get tired of turian?"

"What?" Shepard asked, clearly shocked. "No! Garrus, of course not."

"Then why do you have it? Why hide it?" Garrus asked. He was being stupid, he was sure of it. They had had a talk not all that long ago, admitting to each other that they were still attracted to members of their own respective species. But attracted to each other more.

But seeing that toy reminded him of all his self-doubts about his relationship with Shepard. Doubts he was working so hard on ignoring, because Shepard had made it clear she wanted him, and who the hell was going to deny Commander Shepard?

He tried to tell himself that his irrational anger was because she hid the thing, not because he was comparing himself to the toy. From Garrus' research, he knew that turians didn't have the same length as humans, but had more girth. The idea that Shepard might think she was missing something, something she would have with a human male, hurt more than he thought it would.

Shepard buried her head in her hands. "I thought you were dead," she said, so quietly he almost missed the words. She looked up, and before he realized what had happened, she was on his lap, straddling him. "I bought that right after the Reapers hit, before you rejoined the Normandy.

"I was stressed then, Garrus. So stressed. I've never been good at getting myself off with just my fingers, so I had six months of tension building. I went to the store and I thought about getting a turian one, I really did."

Garrus could see Shepard was becoming upset. And with that, the irrational anger that he felt was gone completely. He placed his hand on the back of her neck and pulled gently. Shepard immediately touched her brow to his and he felt her whole body relax.

She continued. "But then it dawned on me that if I used that one, I'd think about you every single time. I just couldn't. Not when I was convinced you were dead." She leaned back and stroked his neck. "So I got that stupid looking human one. And back on the ship, when I started touching myself… I almost cried, cause I was still thinking of you. And you know I never cry. I just couldn't do it. Hence it's never been used."

Garrus swallowed. They never spoke about that week between the Reaper attacks and finding each other on Menae. The moment he heard Earth had been hit, he felt like his world had collapsed, thinking her still in lock-up. And then two days later, the Reapers were on Palaven.

But this wasn't the time for heartfelt words, not when EDI was testing her new fleshlight using Shepard's dildo in their bathroom. "Well, good thing you found me when you did," Garrus said, trying to smile. "How's Commander Shepard going to save the galaxy if she's sexually frustrated?"

"Not something I have to worry about now," Shepard said, a weak smile on her lips.

Garrus nipped her neck. "Damn right you don't."

The bathroom doors opened and Shepard jumped off of Garrus' lap. "So?" she asked EDI.

EDI seemed to contemplate her answer. "There seems to be a squeak."

"A squeak? That doesn't sound very sexy. Better start calibrating, Vakarian," Shepard said, holding a hand out to help Garrus off of the couch as he glared at her.

EDI sat back down on the coffee table as Garrus knelt down next to her. The metal plates opened and Garrus looked at his handiwork. His gloves were still on, and he quickly went to work.

A minute later, he discovered the issue. A screw hadn't seamlessly integrated with the console. The repair was easy to make. "That should do it," he announced. "Go ahead and test it again, EDI."

EDI nodded and went back into the bathroom. The moment the doors closed, Shepard was on him, one hand at his waist and the other dragging her nails down his neck. "Damn, why is watching you do that so hot?" she asked as Garrus licked down her neck and grabbed her ass.

They made out like teenagers not quite in basic until the sound of the door opened. Shepard stood up, her cheeks flushed, her hair a mess. Garrus elected to stay on the floor, his erection straining against his trousers, his cock deciding to make an appearance after all.

EDI looked at the two of them and Garrus knew she knew exactly what they had been up to. Shepard glanced down at him and a huge smile crossed her face. "You're blushing," she whispered.

"I don't blush."

"Then why's your neck got a blue tinge?" Shepard said, clasping her hands. She looked like she was ready to jump for joy.

"You are blushing, Garrus," EDI told him.

"I'll get you for this, Shepard," Garrus grumbled.

"Counting on it," Shepard teased. She looked at EDI. "Any more squeaking?"

"Everything seems to be in working order." EDI tilted her head. "I do believe I enjoyed the experience."

"Well, it'll be even better with Joker," Shepard told her.

"I will inform you of the results," EDI said.

"You really don't have to do that, EDI," Shepard said. "Some things are really meant to stay private."

"I see." She held out the dildo to Shepard. "Thank you for letting me use this instrument."

Shepard waved her hand. "Consider it a gift. It's all yours."

EDI nodded and then turned to Garrus. "I appreciate your help with the installation, Garrus. In exchange for your discretion in this matter, I will not tell Joker that you were the first to have inserted a body part into this platform."

The silence overwhelmed the room.

EDI tilted her head. "That was a joke."

Garrus sighed. "Of course it was. Don't worry, EDI. Your secret is safe with me."

"Now, according to my diagnostics, you both wish to engage in sexual activity with each other. I will remove this platform from the room," EDI told them.

Garrus felt Shepard take his hand as EDI made towards the exit. "Thank you again," EDI said as she left the room.

Once EDI was gone, Shepard jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. He carefully maneuvered them to the bed. As they started shedding their clothes, EDI's voice floated into the room. They both froze.

"You may be curious to know that if you start having sexual intercourse in the next two minutes, you will raise your average to ninety three percent."

"Thank you, EDI," Shepard said, her voice raspy. "Now please log yourself out."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

"Two minutes? Dunno, that's not a lot of time…"

"When do you ever back down from a challenge, Vakarian?" Shepard's laugh was low and full and almost all the foreplay he would actually need. She took his hand and guided it to her cunt, which was wet and warm and just about perfect. "Better than a toy?"

He looked down, and stared at her flushed face for a moment. Readying himself to beat the clock, Garrus pressed his forehead to hers.

"Definitely."


End file.
